English.

D7.

It's not like I didn't put in efforts in scoring my English. You know, in my country, if you didn't get a pass in English, you practically cannot go anywhere or to get any government-related jobs. Surprisingly, I survived a 3 years course in local polytechnic and got into a private university despite my D7 English grade.

But where to go from here after my education? I escaped 5 years of my disgraceful D7 grade, and now I am back to the start. The grade facing me again. & it's not that my results are that bad. Almost all of my results are B3, just.. except for English. Which is the most important subject of all.

AND it's not that I didn't went through the disgraceful period of being a private student. AND GOT BACK THE SAME RESULTS, which I put in double the effort I did in the actual examinations I have taken.

So, what route should I take after my completion with my degree?

Friends. We all have.

Close friends. Those who have a few, better be glad.

Perhaps I am just one of the few minority girls who don't have much of a girl friends. I don't blame anyone, I blame me.

Perhaps people thinks I am lucky to have a few close guy friends. & Oh, they don't stay for long. Just a period of my school life.

Been reflecting, I think I didn't make much of an effort to keep a close friend close. I didn't even make much of an effort to sustain the friendship. Why would people stay!

Today, this friend of mine hammered this phrase into my head. "Actions speaks louder than words." So appropriate to me right now. Cause I don't keep my words, moreover do what I said. I apologise, and I will learn. I will try to change but please give me some time.

& One by one, supposedly close friends left. Why so, sometimes I asked. & more than often, I blamed it on them, instead on myself. (Oh, what a selfish brat!)

Who do I blame (but myself)?

Since young, I have seen women falling helplessly in love, be it in drama or in real life situations. & that actually made me sick. Sick of girls being just so crazily attached. Since then, I told myself never, ever I would become women like this, hopelessly pounced onto men and life revolving them all day and night. & thank god I am not like this now, and I think I never will. I am glad.

I assumed this is one of the reason that made me so feminist minded and the idea of portraying out a strong front when I am outside. "It's like why do you need men to survive?" If you appear to be strong, those lousy men will not even come and stick around.

Perhaps this is why people tends to think why am I not really into relationship when I have one, reason being: I don't want to show that I am needy. Cause I told myself not to. & now, it became brainwashed/ habit. (Which I don't know whether is it good or bad)

I don't regret either.